Mom Guilt/Boss Guilt

Today I went back to work just for the day because we had our annual planning meeting for our team and my boss wanted me to be part of the conversation.  I appreciate that he asked me even though I'm still on maternity leave because I know he values my input. In exchange for coming in, he's giving me an extra day on the back end when my leave ends so it's all good.  I also actually love my job and love the people I work with so I was looking forward to seeing everyone and having conversations that didn't revolve around cartoons or me yelling at the kids to clean up their mess.

It was an all-day meeting and I left the day feeling excited to come back and get to work. Everyone kept asking me if I am ready to come back and if I'll be sad to leave my kids.  I half-joked that going to work is a "break" from my kids -- I can take breaks, actually sit down and have a lunch, or close my office door to take an uninterrupted nap. I truthfully told everyone I was ready and excited to hit the ground sprinting.

And then I came home...

I came home and asked the kids to recap their day for me for the first time in four and a half months since I've been on maternity leave. It was then that it hit me that this would be part of my routine when I fully go back to work -- I would no longer just be part of their every day, I would MAYBE get the Cliffs Notes version (try getting all the details from a 5 year old).  This is where the "mom guilt" hit me -- the guilt that I will no longer be physically there for my kids all day, every day. It also made me sad to lose this time that I've been able to spend with them -- the time that I joked about needing a break from.

And then I got a second wave of guilt... I guess you could call it "Boss Guilt."

When I started my maternity leave, I left in the midst of our busy season so it was already really hard for me to leave.  In fact, I still checked in during my leave to make sure everyone was still sane. Things continued to move forward while I was gone, but after hearing about some of the difficulties and frustrations that happened during my absence, I can't help but feel guilty for "abandoning" my team to bond with my baby. Ridiculous, I know.

As I'm going through this journey as a working mom of three, I'm realizing that it is impossible to be everything to everyone, but that doesn't stop me from trying!  I need to remind myself that I am truly blessed with a beautiful family and an awesome job that I love and it is because I actually care about these things that I worry about giving my all to each. Hopefully as I continue to navigate this journey, I will be able to give myself some slack.